Courtship – sometimes I wonder if even after all these years, we have any better understanding of this concept than we did at the onset! For the last thirty years or so, the Christian community has witnessed a resurgence of an old standard called “courtship”. Home-schooling families especially, have bought into the whole idea of “courting” as opposed to dating. For clearer understanding, Christian courtship as defined by Wikipedia is:
“Biblical courtship, also known as Christian courtship is a conservative Christian alternative to dating. It is a response to secular dating culture within various American Christian communities, c. 1985 to present. Motivated by concern for the need of Christian values in contrast to secular dating practices, conservative Christians identified what they saw as key Biblical principles for courtship and romance, and began to disseminate them in the 1980s.”
Some say courtship started with the teaching of Bill Gothard and “Basic Youth Concepts” – which is now called, “Institute in Basic Life Principles”. Others believe that Joshua Harris and his book I Kissed Dating Good-bye is the reason for the 1980’s surge in popularity. Both teachings likely had a great deal to do with the courtship trend we have seen in the last several years.
As a general rule, there are a few common principles in any courtship model. The most common rules and understanding of courtship we see are:
· Seek the father’s permission to spend time with his daughter
· Meetings should only be in group setting or a chaperone should always be present
· Purity and a chaste relationship (We all want that for our children!)
· Rejection of secular dating
· Getting to know one another as “friends” prior to “falling in love”
· The ultimate goal of the relationship is expected to end in marriage
These are a few of the standards that are most often agreed upon by those who chose to participate in a modern courting relationship. But for the most part, courtship in today’s society is still new enough and unstructured enough for there to be a great deal of misunderstanding and confusion by all who are involved in regard to what is really expected while“courting”.
In reality, although we have the generic standards lined out above, once in an actual relationship the first troubling thing a couple may find is that there really are no clear rules and understanding of what is expected. That’s a nightmare waiting to happen!
I have witnessed couples who say they are courting, but in fact, are doing nothing different than what we see in the world of dating. As well, I have seen couples who are hogtied to strict rules that one would be hard-pressed to find backed up in Scripture; and I have seen others that only seem to want to follow the trend, having no idea what they believe and why, in regard to courtship. For the most part, everyone seems to only do what they view as right in their own eyes; only muddling through without a clear example which in the past would have been set by parents’ generations prior. The fact is we are several generations in to the “dating” system alone, courtship being left far behind until this recent reappearance. This is why no one really knows what to expect in a “courting” relationship. Parents are at a loss themselves in what to teach their children about courtship because they never experienced it themselves.
I used to think I believed in courtship. I was convinced it was a wonderful thing! I mean who wouldn’t want their child to be in a relationship that is perceived to be free of the natural heartbreak that every young man and woman usually experience in life through dating. Certainly the standards set in dating by the secular world are something to be avoided. Things became so promiscuously reckless in the world the Christian understandably wanted something better. And we needed something better!
These are the reasons I supported courtship; I believed in it; I respected it; I promoted it in all it’s popular, trending glory. That is, until my son ended up in a courtship relationship, which gave me valuable insight into the whole courtship scenario and all that it entails.
I am confident I am not alone. Many are starting to “kiss [courting] good-bye”. Let’s look at some of the practical problems with courting, and where we might have failed.
For starters, it puts the young man in the position of feeling like he has to marry the one he may only want to ask out for coffee in order that he might get to know her better. The interested gentleman is subjected to asking a father’s permission even before he knows if the young woman and he are compatible. Think about it; with courtship as defined above, and with all the expectations that are involved, asking to spend time with a young woman in order to court is not really much different than the past tradition of asking for her hand in marriage. Only problem is, it’s way too early and expectations are out of order!!
If the young woman’s expectation is “date only to marry” i.e. courtship, she is going to automatically believe that is also the goal of the young man. She may have hopes (that almost every young woman has had from the time she was a little girl) to grow up and have a beautiful wedding to a wonderful man ending with a long dreamed about family and a “happily ever after”. That’s a rather large expectation to dash, if things go awry with a gentleman that only wants to first get to know someone. To believe that there will be no hurt feelings if the courtship doesn’t work is clearly hogwash!
As well, there are those that have laid down strict rules that no one else has been made aware. Some may believe that their beliefs are the correct path to follow for every individual, rather than understanding there will be different principles for others who may have doctrinal differences, but are committed just as strongly to their beliefs. An experience of that nature can leave families confused, not always understanding the goals, agenda, or beliefs of the other family, especially when expectations are not laid out and discussed beforehand.
Since there is no set standard, it often forces the parents of the female to set the rules as they go. And remember; courting is something new to most parents! No one can think through every situation that might surface as a relationship progresses. Try as they might, concerned parents are going to find issues arise that they just didn’t foresee. It compels them to set new rules as they go. Often, instead of extending trust, they only offer more restrictions.
I have found when there is no “trust” of the two young people who are involved rules invariably do need to change as things progress. That leaves the young people feeling used, vulnerable and like there is no way they will ever please or meet the parents’ ideals or standards. As the girl’s parents are usually the one that sets those standards and makes up the new rules for this runaway train called courtship, it leaves young men feeling defenseless and discouraged.
Another obvious flaw that should have been apparent from the onset of this current model called courtship is that if there is always a third party present, it leaves no time for the two involved to get to know one another on personal levels. They certainly are not going to discuss theology beliefs, personal life desires, or child-raising viewpoints in front of a third party. Many months or even years can pass, before the two realize there are some serious issues on which they simply do not agree.
If there are no set rules established for modern courtship, and they are only made up by the parents as certain situations arise, it puts the gentleman in the position of continually being at the mercy of parents with whom he may or may not be in agreement doctrinally and spiritually. In reality, the young man is forced not to seek to please the young woman; but rather, he must seek to please the parents first. That simply isn’t Scriptural.
A young man at this time in his life should be exerting initiative and learning how to become the head of household; instead he ends up succumbing to parental authority of the one he is supposed to be planning on marrying. Young women, (especially young Christian women) will tend to agree with their parents on most issues, so it becomes a battle of wills with all involved. Because of the need to respect and bow to parental authority, the woman ends up winning battles that otherwise would and should be worked out by the couple themselves.
What the parents of the young woman may not understand is they are undermining the leadership and the headship of the male figure in a marriage, even before the knot is tied. They are setting a terrible pattern of allowing the young woman to have the final say on matters rather than helping her learn the importance of communication and discussion in a relationship.
In the early relationship, when everything is done the young woman’s way, (rather, the way of her parents) she does not learn give and take; but instead she learns that she is the winner in every situation. To start this precedent early on in the courtship is only training that which the young woman will come to expect in marriage i.e. “Hubby isn’t head of household. I am; and I have Mommy and Daddy to back me up.”
That standard should be a huge red flag for anyone that understands the true role of the man as the spiritual head of the home. The couple hasn’t learned to discuss and come to mutual agreement. They have only learned what Mom and Dad say goes.
Further and finally, it’s the man’s character that is constantly called into question. A chaperone is nothing more than a constant reminder that it is somehow believed he can’t be trusted. A constant questioning of ones’ character is simply not healthy for anyone’s self esteem, or even their mental attitude. How can a young woman learn she can trust a young man, when he is obviously not trusted by a parent? Do we really want to put that type of mistrust of men in our young women’s heads and hearts?
Even further, in my opinion, a chaperone serves as a constant reminder of sex. “We can’t be alone together, because we might do something we shouldn’t.” That isn’t a healthy mindset either! It simply puts “sex” at the forefront of the relationship. That’s not any different than what we see in the world today. Sex, sex, sex! But in this case, it only becomes an appendage of fear that results in an attitude or lifestyle lived out in “we might do something we shouldn’t”.
Protecting our young men and women’s reputation by requiring a chaperone is a false premise. No one is paying attention to that. If someone is looking for gossip or a way to attack ones reputation or behavior they will find it, even if they have to invent it. The opposite can also be said. One could suspect the couple has done something illicit in which they require a chaperone – i.e. they have done something to cause them to lose trust. In my opinion, chaperones after someone has reached adulthood are only a crutch for a worried parent.
Teach your daughters strength of character; a holy walk; and to stand for Biblical truths and you won’t have to worry about our sons whom we have taught the same. Know your son and daughter well enough to know how they would respond to every situation, and have faith they will do the right thing. To do otherwise is to only promote conflict.
Those who favor or promote courtship seem to believe that, all components of the concept are Biblically based. While, examples of purity are clearly laid out in Scripture, purity has been an expectation for the Christian for generations, because it is Scriptural. That is not something brought about by the idea of courtship. The truth is one will be hard pressed to find Scripture to back up today’s standards of courtship. It simply isn’t there.
I have always believed in early marriage. Though certainly not mandatory, I do believe it is beneficial. The Bible uses many examples to show two are better than one. When one is down, the other will lift him up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Mark 6:7) That isn’t only true in the work field or “missions” field; it is a benefit of marriage! Furthermore, the Bible teaches that it is better to marry than to burn with lust. (Corinthians 7:9) Our Lord would rather young people marry than have to resist temptation for years until society, or anyone else, deems them ready for marriage. As well, not allowing two young people to be alone together and trusting them to do so respectfully, only puts pressure on them to marry possibly sooner than they should. There is a balance that needs to be reached. My only caveat is that the young man should be the one to determine when he is ready. Not, the woman, not the woman’s parents, not the man’s parents. Only the man can properly determine this; and any pressure otherwise is sure to lead to rebellion and resentment later, if someone else’s judgment was inaccurate.
It has been reported we are finally starting to see a high divorce rates of couples that courted. I have not substantiated that fact, but I do know we are seeing confusion and disillusionment with the courting philosophy.
If one chooses to court, I would like to offer some suggestions that may help solidify the concept, by alleviating some of the problems that arise which I have mentioned in this article.
As a mother of an adult son who is yet unmarried, my ultimate desire for him would be found in the title of Ken Graves’ book: Master, Mission, Mate. I want to say to my son and to all young men with a desire to marry: Serve our Master first. Find out what it is that He has designed for your life. What is the mission He has for you in the way of serving Him and in the way of your work or profession? Understand, at least, the general direction on the road He has planned for you to travel throughout your life. When you know all that, then and only then, should a mate be considered. Your mate should only fit in where she is in agreement with the first two facets of this slogan. If she isn’t in agreement with what God has in store for you, then you have the wrong woman.
The bottom line is courtship is not going to give you the knowledge or understanding of what God has for your life. Courtship isn’t going to keep you safe from hurt and loss. Courtship won’t keep your reputation solid. Courtship won’t keep you pure and holy. Only a heart set on Him, will do all of that and more…For that you don’t need chaperones. You already have One.
“Biblical courtship, also known as Christian courtship is a conservative Christian alternative to dating. It is a response to secular dating culture within various American Christian communities, c. 1985 to present. Motivated by concern for the need of Christian values in contrast to secular dating practices, conservative Christians identified what they saw as key Biblical principles for courtship and romance, and began to disseminate them in the 1980s.”
Some say courtship started with the teaching of Bill Gothard and “Basic Youth Concepts” – which is now called, “Institute in Basic Life Principles”. Others believe that Joshua Harris and his book I Kissed Dating Good-bye is the reason for the 1980’s surge in popularity. Both teachings likely had a great deal to do with the courtship trend we have seen in the last several years.
As a general rule, there are a few common principles in any courtship model. The most common rules and understanding of courtship we see are:
· Seek the father’s permission to spend time with his daughter
· Meetings should only be in group setting or a chaperone should always be present
· Purity and a chaste relationship (We all want that for our children!)
· Rejection of secular dating
· Getting to know one another as “friends” prior to “falling in love”
· The ultimate goal of the relationship is expected to end in marriage
These are a few of the standards that are most often agreed upon by those who chose to participate in a modern courting relationship. But for the most part, courtship in today’s society is still new enough and unstructured enough for there to be a great deal of misunderstanding and confusion by all who are involved in regard to what is really expected while“courting”.
In reality, although we have the generic standards lined out above, once in an actual relationship the first troubling thing a couple may find is that there really are no clear rules and understanding of what is expected. That’s a nightmare waiting to happen!
I have witnessed couples who say they are courting, but in fact, are doing nothing different than what we see in the world of dating. As well, I have seen couples who are hogtied to strict rules that one would be hard-pressed to find backed up in Scripture; and I have seen others that only seem to want to follow the trend, having no idea what they believe and why, in regard to courtship. For the most part, everyone seems to only do what they view as right in their own eyes; only muddling through without a clear example which in the past would have been set by parents’ generations prior. The fact is we are several generations in to the “dating” system alone, courtship being left far behind until this recent reappearance. This is why no one really knows what to expect in a “courting” relationship. Parents are at a loss themselves in what to teach their children about courtship because they never experienced it themselves.
I used to think I believed in courtship. I was convinced it was a wonderful thing! I mean who wouldn’t want their child to be in a relationship that is perceived to be free of the natural heartbreak that every young man and woman usually experience in life through dating. Certainly the standards set in dating by the secular world are something to be avoided. Things became so promiscuously reckless in the world the Christian understandably wanted something better. And we needed something better!
These are the reasons I supported courtship; I believed in it; I respected it; I promoted it in all it’s popular, trending glory. That is, until my son ended up in a courtship relationship, which gave me valuable insight into the whole courtship scenario and all that it entails.
I am confident I am not alone. Many are starting to “kiss [courting] good-bye”. Let’s look at some of the practical problems with courting, and where we might have failed.
For starters, it puts the young man in the position of feeling like he has to marry the one he may only want to ask out for coffee in order that he might get to know her better. The interested gentleman is subjected to asking a father’s permission even before he knows if the young woman and he are compatible. Think about it; with courtship as defined above, and with all the expectations that are involved, asking to spend time with a young woman in order to court is not really much different than the past tradition of asking for her hand in marriage. Only problem is, it’s way too early and expectations are out of order!!
If the young woman’s expectation is “date only to marry” i.e. courtship, she is going to automatically believe that is also the goal of the young man. She may have hopes (that almost every young woman has had from the time she was a little girl) to grow up and have a beautiful wedding to a wonderful man ending with a long dreamed about family and a “happily ever after”. That’s a rather large expectation to dash, if things go awry with a gentleman that only wants to first get to know someone. To believe that there will be no hurt feelings if the courtship doesn’t work is clearly hogwash!
As well, there are those that have laid down strict rules that no one else has been made aware. Some may believe that their beliefs are the correct path to follow for every individual, rather than understanding there will be different principles for others who may have doctrinal differences, but are committed just as strongly to their beliefs. An experience of that nature can leave families confused, not always understanding the goals, agenda, or beliefs of the other family, especially when expectations are not laid out and discussed beforehand.
Since there is no set standard, it often forces the parents of the female to set the rules as they go. And remember; courting is something new to most parents! No one can think through every situation that might surface as a relationship progresses. Try as they might, concerned parents are going to find issues arise that they just didn’t foresee. It compels them to set new rules as they go. Often, instead of extending trust, they only offer more restrictions.
I have found when there is no “trust” of the two young people who are involved rules invariably do need to change as things progress. That leaves the young people feeling used, vulnerable and like there is no way they will ever please or meet the parents’ ideals or standards. As the girl’s parents are usually the one that sets those standards and makes up the new rules for this runaway train called courtship, it leaves young men feeling defenseless and discouraged.
Another obvious flaw that should have been apparent from the onset of this current model called courtship is that if there is always a third party present, it leaves no time for the two involved to get to know one another on personal levels. They certainly are not going to discuss theology beliefs, personal life desires, or child-raising viewpoints in front of a third party. Many months or even years can pass, before the two realize there are some serious issues on which they simply do not agree.
If there are no set rules established for modern courtship, and they are only made up by the parents as certain situations arise, it puts the gentleman in the position of continually being at the mercy of parents with whom he may or may not be in agreement doctrinally and spiritually. In reality, the young man is forced not to seek to please the young woman; but rather, he must seek to please the parents first. That simply isn’t Scriptural.
A young man at this time in his life should be exerting initiative and learning how to become the head of household; instead he ends up succumbing to parental authority of the one he is supposed to be planning on marrying. Young women, (especially young Christian women) will tend to agree with their parents on most issues, so it becomes a battle of wills with all involved. Because of the need to respect and bow to parental authority, the woman ends up winning battles that otherwise would and should be worked out by the couple themselves.
What the parents of the young woman may not understand is they are undermining the leadership and the headship of the male figure in a marriage, even before the knot is tied. They are setting a terrible pattern of allowing the young woman to have the final say on matters rather than helping her learn the importance of communication and discussion in a relationship.
In the early relationship, when everything is done the young woman’s way, (rather, the way of her parents) she does not learn give and take; but instead she learns that she is the winner in every situation. To start this precedent early on in the courtship is only training that which the young woman will come to expect in marriage i.e. “Hubby isn’t head of household. I am; and I have Mommy and Daddy to back me up.”
That standard should be a huge red flag for anyone that understands the true role of the man as the spiritual head of the home. The couple hasn’t learned to discuss and come to mutual agreement. They have only learned what Mom and Dad say goes.
Further and finally, it’s the man’s character that is constantly called into question. A chaperone is nothing more than a constant reminder that it is somehow believed he can’t be trusted. A constant questioning of ones’ character is simply not healthy for anyone’s self esteem, or even their mental attitude. How can a young woman learn she can trust a young man, when he is obviously not trusted by a parent? Do we really want to put that type of mistrust of men in our young women’s heads and hearts?
Even further, in my opinion, a chaperone serves as a constant reminder of sex. “We can’t be alone together, because we might do something we shouldn’t.” That isn’t a healthy mindset either! It simply puts “sex” at the forefront of the relationship. That’s not any different than what we see in the world today. Sex, sex, sex! But in this case, it only becomes an appendage of fear that results in an attitude or lifestyle lived out in “we might do something we shouldn’t”.
Protecting our young men and women’s reputation by requiring a chaperone is a false premise. No one is paying attention to that. If someone is looking for gossip or a way to attack ones reputation or behavior they will find it, even if they have to invent it. The opposite can also be said. One could suspect the couple has done something illicit in which they require a chaperone – i.e. they have done something to cause them to lose trust. In my opinion, chaperones after someone has reached adulthood are only a crutch for a worried parent.
Teach your daughters strength of character; a holy walk; and to stand for Biblical truths and you won’t have to worry about our sons whom we have taught the same. Know your son and daughter well enough to know how they would respond to every situation, and have faith they will do the right thing. To do otherwise is to only promote conflict.
Those who favor or promote courtship seem to believe that, all components of the concept are Biblically based. While, examples of purity are clearly laid out in Scripture, purity has been an expectation for the Christian for generations, because it is Scriptural. That is not something brought about by the idea of courtship. The truth is one will be hard pressed to find Scripture to back up today’s standards of courtship. It simply isn’t there.
I have always believed in early marriage. Though certainly not mandatory, I do believe it is beneficial. The Bible uses many examples to show two are better than one. When one is down, the other will lift him up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Mark 6:7) That isn’t only true in the work field or “missions” field; it is a benefit of marriage! Furthermore, the Bible teaches that it is better to marry than to burn with lust. (Corinthians 7:9) Our Lord would rather young people marry than have to resist temptation for years until society, or anyone else, deems them ready for marriage. As well, not allowing two young people to be alone together and trusting them to do so respectfully, only puts pressure on them to marry possibly sooner than they should. There is a balance that needs to be reached. My only caveat is that the young man should be the one to determine when he is ready. Not, the woman, not the woman’s parents, not the man’s parents. Only the man can properly determine this; and any pressure otherwise is sure to lead to rebellion and resentment later, if someone else’s judgment was inaccurate.
It has been reported we are finally starting to see a high divorce rates of couples that courted. I have not substantiated that fact, but I do know we are seeing confusion and disillusionment with the courting philosophy.
If one chooses to court, I would like to offer some suggestions that may help solidify the concept, by alleviating some of the problems that arise which I have mentioned in this article.
- Before a courting relationship begins set down all rules and expectations of all parties concerned. i.e. the young woman, the young man, the woman’s parents, and the man’s parents
- Don’t enter into courtship with the idea that “this is the one”, but rather this is a time of getting to know one another more fully. Courtship does not necessarily mean marriage.
- Allow your young adults time to be alone so they can get to know one another on a more serious level concerning issues they would not talk about in front of a third party. i.e. children, faith, life desires, etc.
- Build trust! The young woman must learn that she can trust the young man. This can only happen if her parents trust him.
- Teach your daughters strength of character; a holy walk; and to stand for Biblical truths and you won’t have to worry about our sons whom we have taught the same.
- The young man must know what God has in store for him in the way of his life goals, before he considers getting married.
As a mother of an adult son who is yet unmarried, my ultimate desire for him would be found in the title of Ken Graves’ book: Master, Mission, Mate. I want to say to my son and to all young men with a desire to marry: Serve our Master first. Find out what it is that He has designed for your life. What is the mission He has for you in the way of serving Him and in the way of your work or profession? Understand, at least, the general direction on the road He has planned for you to travel throughout your life. When you know all that, then and only then, should a mate be considered. Your mate should only fit in where she is in agreement with the first two facets of this slogan. If she isn’t in agreement with what God has in store for you, then you have the wrong woman.
The bottom line is courtship is not going to give you the knowledge or understanding of what God has for your life. Courtship isn’t going to keep you safe from hurt and loss. Courtship won’t keep your reputation solid. Courtship won’t keep you pure and holy. Only a heart set on Him, will do all of that and more…For that you don’t need chaperones. You already have One.
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